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| girls (and my guys on here? if there are any)
i need help :( it's been getting so bad. i've been eating okay but i feel. like. shit. i'm worthless and i'm fat and huge and i can barely bring myself to even go to class. i need to be proactive. i need a friend to say "get your ass moving!". i need to not be such a lazy fat ass. the scale doesn't lie ladies and mine is just yelling "fatfatfatFATFATFAT" and i can't take it anymore.
I'M TURNING TWENTY IN JUST OVER A WEEK AND ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS HOW I'M FATTER THAN I WAS A YEAR AGO
help me be better
however, can i just add a small pick me up? that should be motivating me but i still can't get off my ass?
well, if anyone remembers the airman i was telling you about before... we're together now :) i'm the luckiest girl in the world. but still FAT AS ALL HELL. the airman weighs less than i do. until i'm flying higher than he is from weightlessness i can't be happy with myself :( who wants to date a fat girl? | | |
| So back to Xanga it is :\
Intake: Peach ~ 62
I'm seeing my best friend slash love of my live in exactly 19 days. And I can't go looking like this :( I hate being so FAT fat fat fat fat.
I need to buy a scale.
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| I'm majorly freaking out about exams. I work six hours today until 9pm and I have an exam tomorrow at 745 and one at noon... ahhhhhhh.
I also suck, sort of :( They had free bagels and my roommate brought me two... they're Einstein too so I'm just going to estimate my calories at 800 and not eat for the rest of today.
*sigh* sooo sick of being fat
On the bright side, the airman said he "loves talking" to me... I feel insane, I cling onto every little thing he says like that in hopes that it'll mean more someday. I guess I'm scared, I love this guy so much and I told myself I wouldn't and I did. And he says he wants this to be perfect, there's no way he can't try 'us', he's in love with me... why can't I trust that? I can't help but thinking what if he finds someone else, what if he realizes I'm super fat one day, what if he wakes up and it hits him that I'm not that special? I saved these text messages from him, especially when he was in Iraq because I didn't talk to him all the time like we had before and I like looking back on them.
"i've been thinking for the past 4 hours about how i might REALLY love you"
"just know.. whatever you do.. i'll be there later if you want it" << (in regards to relationships)
"honestly idk what to do... this is insane how 'right' you feel"
"i won't tell you otherwise. i'm willing to try you out (like a bike??) someday. we'll figure something out... there's no way i can't try"
" you flew over iraq with me for at least 300 hours " (in regards to the pictures and letters i sent him)
I love that... i mean I love all of that, but am I just clinging onto a few words he says and not looking at the bigger picture, that he thinks it's a nice idea but it'll never work? Am I just setting myself up to hurt myself?
Ay que loco :(
Also, I think I'm just going to have to except that I am going to suck at this challenge until finals are over. I just have no time to go to the gym :( or be on xanga but you know... here I am... haha.
Hope you ladies are having a wonderful, more successful and lovely day.
Stay lovely,
<3 Kiel
INTAKE:
2 1/2 Bagels - 850 cals
and more... TOO MUCH
Here's some feel good music for you ladies :) Bob Marley said it best - "One good thing about music is when it hits, you feel no pain."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrLJ6Saq7u4
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=14844194
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFGmnJQ_BF0
www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvEj5iZMEpU
Challenge!
+10 : 5 btls of water (it always gets really hot at work, we ALWAYS have
+4 : 1 set of lunges, 1 set of abs ( i really want to do SO MUCH MORE)
+14 : 7 hours of sleep
+5 : updating xanga
+2 : support
+5 : daily challenge (i LOVE keira knightly!)
- 5 : going over daily cal intake :(:(
-10 : no excercise
Total: 25
Sorry ladies :( I'll do better tomorrow, for you, me, and everyone :) And I'll comment more too... but I'm freaking out about exams tomorrow and just don't have time. Thanks for being here for me
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| but hey, isss gooooood
i broke my fast last night... it was over 24 hours but i still felt weak. i mean really, self, 24 hours, that's the best you can do? hopefully when i do this once-a-week thing it'll become a little more routine, you know? it's weird but when i wasn't eating, even though it was just for a little while, i felt like i looked better even though that's pretty much the most ridiculous thing anyone's ever come up with. it still felt good though, to be doing something active about it (besides working out)... so yeah, even though i felt crappy at the end it still made me feel good about myself. i might even do it for the rest of today... i like that empty feeling
i skyped with the airman for TWO HOURS last night, holy crap. it's the first time we've ever done that, he took me on a tour of his house and i took him on a tour of this tiny ass dorm room, conveniently leaving out my super messy closet and the super messy floor. we joke that we've been in constant conversation for over a year now - i mean we never stop talking - and it's the greatest thing. me telling anyone about it doesn't even come CLOSE to how amazing this guy is. i seriously need to call him something. edward cullen? haha, jokes. kind of. he's like him though, only blond and funnier. i've seen him ONCE since april 17th when we first met and yet i'm still so in love with this kid. he's a super health nut and obviously since he's in the military pretty in shape and he just makes me want to be a better person all around. oh man.
I think my fast day is going to be Thursdays (starting next week, when I'm on my own). I work at my internship from 9-1 and then at my restaurant job from 3-8:30 so I feel like it'll be relatively easy to stay strong that day. If anyone wants to join me, go for it! I feel like the more people involved, the more motivated we'll be. AND I'm eating vegetarian. AND we're having an intramural volleyball team, plus I'm living just off campus with access to the gym. I go and visit the airman in August... I feel like three months is ample time to get in shape! Super excited. Join me on this beautiful adventure ladies, it's going to be so much fun!
Sorry I write so much but I feel like you ladies really do care :)
Stay lovely,
<3 Kiel
P.S. Since it's Wednesday and we all need a laugh in our life, here's some baby making music for you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU
also, i sent out a message too but if anyone's interested in chatting or keeping in touch a little easier, my AIM is KeeleyLJ and my MSN is chicken_butt18@hotmail.com - i don't usually ever go on either of those but i'm on right now and i'll try to keep it logged in, if anyone wants to talk :)
Intake:
Bagel that our spanish prof brought to exam day - I'm going to go high with a guess of 400 cals?
Wrap at work - 350
Challenge! (forgot to edit last night!)
+12 : 6 hours of sleep
+2 : Support
+5 : Updating Xanga
+5 : Challenge (my resolution - to be a better sister)
+5 : Doing workout video
+5 : 30 mins of workout
+6 : 3 btls of H20
+5 : Staying within cal range
Total: 45 pts
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| i took a nap and when i woke up i was SO hungry. i haven't ever really fasted before... idk this feeling is intense | | |
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